Dear Fifteen-Year-Old Me…

I’m sorry to interrupt your music. Knowing you, you are blasting music on your speakers, at full volume and singing along. I guess old habits die hard, because you’re still blasting music and singing along, six years on, as you write this. Although Vince Staples’ ‘Big Fish’ is a far cry from the Maroon 5 you were blaring a few years prior aha.

And that’s something else, your taste in music has changed. Using the word ‘eclectic’ might be pushing it a bit, but you now listen to a much broader range of music.

Now about this blog piece:

I don’t quite know where to start. You have changed.

Don’t look so startled! It is, for the most part, a good change…I promise.

The most apparent change will probably be the way that you now look. You don’t wear the hijab anymore, and you’re no longer a skinny little twig. The glasses have gone; you wear contact lenses now. You’ve grown a few inches taller. You’re no longer following the crowd, so to speak: you have your own sense of style. You take pride in how you look (except for when you’re looking bummy at university 😂) and you like make-up and skincare…a lot.

The greatest change, however, is your internal self. You have matured and the years have humbled you. You’ve a more mellowed personality. And you’re now at a stage in life where you’re very comfortable in who you are as a person. Your outlook on the world has changed.

Ah! There’s that word again – “change”.  Oh, how the fifteen-year-old Fahmida hates change! She is shit-scared of it. She likes normality, and above all, being in control. But if the years are to teach her anything, it is that you can be the most well-thought out, planned and prepared person on the planet, BUT, certain elements of your life will, quite frankly, be out of your hands and in God’s.

And my goodness does that annoy you, make you angry even. For a long time. For a good few years. Such that, you no longer speak to God anymore. You no longer pray. You believe in him, despite yourself, because you have to believe in something, or else how can you be angry at it?

Fast forward a few years, to the woman who is now typing this blog piece, writing this letter to her younger self. She has found God, once again. *Queue the ‘I once was lost but now am found’ Amazing Grace song* ahahaha 😂.

On a serious note though, she finds God! He resides deep within her heart; he follows her wherever she is. (It sounds cringe but) He is her comfort. She is more spiritual now and more strong in her faith, than she has ever been before.

She is 21 now. Her health is great, she is liberal and accepting and has a much more open mind than the fifteen-year-old version of herself. She now lives by the philosophy of: “Live and let live. And love, lots and lots of love”. The latter part of which, she is aware, doesn’t make linguistic sense but she knows what it means, and this is how she lives her life.

She is surrounded by beautiful people and open-minds. She has a best-friend with whom she travels little corners of the world whenever they get a break from university (which isn’t quite as often as she’d like, but it’s something, eh?) and her family remain her rock; they keep her grounded while forever reminding her that the sky’s the limit.

Oh, and she even falls in love! I know! Fifteen-year-old me is probably thinking ‘blimeyyy, future me falls in love?”. It is the ultimate plot twist. Because fifteen-year-old me thinks love is not for her and that dumb people waste time on boys, and God forbid I should ever become one of those dumb people!

But I do. (Get the sick bucket ready please!) I fall in love. I fall hard. And *queue the shock, queue the horror* it…isn’t…even…gross? Like, it feels nice? If you should be so lucky to fall in love with the right one, you will learn that being in love can even be rewarding. And while you haven’t been very lucky in love yet, you know that every cloud has a silver lining. And that silver lining has been your recognition of your own capacity to love. For you discover that you are very, very loving. You are very unique in this respect. And it’s a quality that a lot of people like in you, but most of all though, YOU like this quality in yourself above all your other traits.

To a young and unsuspecting Fahmida though, I’d give a word to the wise: as loving as you are, very few people are deserving of this love. This last week alone, has taught you that your light can sometimes attract moths, and your warmth parasites, so remember to protect and preserve your energy. Do this, and you’re good to go.

Life thus-far has taught you that you are more resilient than you could have ever imagined. And hard-headed. And ambitious. And you have a beautiful mind (and beautiful everything else too). But your mind, this is your greatest asset.

I don’t quite know where to end. I suppose because this isn’t an end. You have changed.

And you will continue to change, my darling.

To a young Fahmida, I guess I’d say change has meant: you’ve weathered some of the harshest storms of of your life, and you’ve struggled. And from that struggle has come a lot of beauty. Life has been beautiful, despite it all. So I’d smile kid, because the best is yet to come. The best is yet to come.

Lots of love,

(A little shit, as ever), the one, the only,

Future you xxx

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